My 31st birthday is coming up in a few weeks. It seems like the older I get, the more indecisive I also become. I will soon be 31 and feel like I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. The only problem is I am already a grown up!
There are times I feel like I am wasting so much time with my life by being self-employed. I love being my own boss but it means that life sometimes gets put on hold or sacrificed. I end up working way more than I should because I have to make sure I am making enough income. I feel like I have to be available to customers, clients and team members 24/7. If I take a day off I feel guilty and like I have to apologize to anyone who happens to contact me during that time. It also means I lose out on sometimes a significant amount of income.
No, it’s not all about the $ but when you are single and self-employed it is often like a game of survival from month to month… I will admit that I do thoroughly enjoy the thrill of being able to make an income in non-traditional ways. I like bucking the system and going against the flow. It is fun and exciting and very satisfying in many ways.
I can’t help but wonder from time to time whether or not it is really worth the hard work and sacrifice though. Is everything I am doing worth what I may be sacrificing or missing out on? In ten years from now do I still want my life to be like this?
There are days when I realize it has been 4 or 5 days since I even left my own house (other than to check the mail). I will be so wrapped up in a project (or two or three or ten of them) that time just escapes me. (I do still shower, eat and call my family each day though). I am sure my neighbors think I am a recluse or a “crazy cat lady”. Except I don’t have cats, so I guess I’m just that weird girl who seldom leaves her house.
My grandfather, who I adore and am very close to, said something to me a couple of weeks ago that I cannot get out of my head. He has been there for me more than anyone else has in my life. It has been very hard on me to watch him get older and to realize he truly won’t always be there for me. I was thanking him for helping me so much and he said “that’s what you do when you love someone, especially a child or grandchild”. Then he said – “you’ll probably never get to experience the kind of joy that the love of a child or grandchild brings you”.
He didn’t say that because he’s dooming me to never marry or have kids. He said it because of how adamant I am about not even bothering to date anymore, not wanting to get married or have kids. I’ve been pretty content to be single and do not have a desire to have kids (much to my mother’s dismay). In a way it’s just more convenient and easier for me to be single. Let’s just say I don’t have the best of luck in the relationship department.
I haven’t been able to get those words out of my head though. While I like being single, I don’t want to end up old, alone and without a family of my own. It’s not a matter of “just wait, the right one will come along” blah, blah, blah… I have been so focused on just getting through each day making ends meet that I haven’t really even thought about the distant future much.
Then today I read the daily devotion from Dr. Charles Stanley (he has an app for smart phones which I definitely recommend – In Touch Ministries is the name of it). The subject of the devotion is “The Lure of Momentary Pleasure”.
“You probably read the story of Jacob and Esau today and thought, I can’t believe Esau sold his birthright for a bowl of soup. How foolish! But let’s think beyond birthrights and soup. Is there anything of true value that you are trading for something of lesser worth? In other words, what is your “bowl of soup”?” Are you contemplating anything that could have serious long-term ramifications if you yield to the yearning? A wise person evaluates choices by looking ahead to see what negative consequences could follow a course of action. Don’t let “a bowl of soup” hinder God’s wonderful plans for you. Read the rest of the devotional here.
Am I letting my desire to be self-employed & successful keep me from something bigger & better? Am I letting the convenience of being single and the fear of losing my independence keep me from true happiness? Am I focusing my desire to make a difference in the world and to leave a legacy on the wrong people / wrong places?
It’s more than just being married and having kids… I guess I am just wondering if there’s something bigger and better out there that God wants for my life but because I am so bound and determined to remain “CEO of ME” that I may be missing out…
It’s definitely something I’m thinking and praying about. Maybe the torn and confused feeling I have had for over a year now hasn’t been about what to do as far as my career or home business(es). Maybe it’s been about something much bigger and more important that I just haven’t wanted to face or really think about. (I honestly don’t want to face it now, but running from your demons sure can wear you out.)
What about you? Do you still struggle with figuring out what you want to be (or what God wants you to be) when you grow up? What are you sacrificing away for just the short-term satisfaction of a “bowl of soup”? (And is anyone else craving tomato soup & grilled cheese sandwiches now or is it just me?)
*Top Image Source – Freedigitialphotos.net – contributor Vlado / Soup Image Source Stock.xchng free photo