“Money, money, money… Must by funny… In a rich man’s world…” – Abba
Being self-employed, I never know from day-to-day, week to week and month to month what my income is going to be. I find myself constantly thinking about money. No, I’m not a greedy or materialistic person. Money is definitely not the most important thing in my life. I don’t love money or want to be rich.
There are times when I feel like I am obsessed with money though. How much did I make today or this week? How much more do I need to make this week or month to pay for this bill or that bill? What has cleared the bank and what hasn’t? What do I need to transfer or move around to make sure this, that or the other is covered? Can I afford this extra expense? Will I ever have enough money for insurance or to go to the doctor again?
I check my bank account and Paypal account daily. I have a spreadsheet where I keep track of every dollar I make and almost every dollar I spend. I feel like I’m “hustling” every day. This may be a little over the top, but keeping track of my income and expenses like this has helped me be able to pay off a ton of debt. I still have a few more years to go until I’m debt free, but the pile is not as high now!
On the same account when something happens that causes me to lose money, I have a major tizzy. If you aren’t from the South or aren’t sure what a tizzy is, let me explain. A tizzy, per Websters Dictionary is “a highly excited and distracted state of mind.” In other words it means: having a minor panic attack, blood pressure going through the roof and pretty much acting like a fool.
That’s how I am anytime anything happens that requires me to spend money I didn’t anticipate having to spend (like an extra bill or for medical expenses or household items that break or need to be replaced). It also happens when I lose money by making a stupid mistake (like forgetting to pay a bill and having a late fee or ordering the wrong item for a customer and having to pay for the new item out-of-pocket).
All common sense goes out the window as I have my little tizzy. I feel sorry for those who are around me or who I happen to call to vent to during my tizzy. They try to calm me down and rationalize the situation. All I want to do is vent and complain and ramble. There is no amount of rationalization or advice that will help when I am in that “highly excited and distracted state”.
“The lack of money is the root of all evil.” – Mark Twain
Eventually I do calm down, deal with it and get back to work. However, being the perfectionist that I am, I will tend to beat myself up about it and continue to worry about my financial situation.
It’s really more than just worrying about paying the bills or not. It is a control thing because yes, I am a total control freak. I don’t like the feeling of not being in control of my finances. I have been in deep debt for years. I am making progress and getting closer to being out of debt but it still feels like that debt monster is pulling my strings sometimes.
I think everyone wants to feel financially stable and secure, no matter who you are or what you do to for a living. Money isn’t everything but it is required to be able to eat, have a home, go to work and take care of your family. When your income is dependent on your own work, effort and energy, it is hard to not be constantly thinking about money.
I wish I could have a little more faith about my financial situation. I know that God will provide for my basic needs. He always does, He always has. I need to consider the bigger picture and the progress I have made in paying off debt. I need to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes and extra expenses are bound to happen. It might mean it will take me another month or two to pay off debt, but it isn’t the end of the world.
I think it’s just God’s continual way of making me learn to not be “Miss Independent” and so self-reliant. Instead of having a tizzy I need to take a deep breath and just keep working and trust that it will all work out. It always does.
Let us more and more insist on raising funds of love, of kindness, of understanding, of peace. Money will come if we seek first the Kingdom of God – the rest will be given. – Mother Teresa
What about you? Have you ever had a tizzy about your financial situation? Are you struggling to make ends meet too? Take some time today to reflect on how God always provides what we need, right when we need it. When you feel a tizzy coming on, take a deep breath and say a prayer! This too shall pass!