Losing Weight and Finding Myself…

A couple months ago I applied to be part of a 6 month blogger program with a well known health & weight loss company. I really wanted to be chosen for this program. There were 50 spots and almost 300 bloggers who applied so I knew my chances were slim. I wrote a really long post for my application about my struggle to lose weight and how I was ready to make a change.

I submitted my application and I waited. When the list of selected bloggers was announced and my name wasn’t on the list, I was really upset. I actually cried. I know it sounds silly, but I really wanted this opportunity.  I thought having a weight loss program, a support network and accountability of having to post on my blog each month would be the solution for my struggle to lose weight.

Struggle… That is exactly what my experience with weight loss has been for the past 18 years.  Yes I said 18 years. I went on my first “diet” when I was 13 years old.  Since then I have been on more diets than I can count. Name it & I’ve tried it (and probably more than once).   I have tried healthy diets, not so healthy diets, weight loss programs, weight loss clinics, even pills and drops. I have lost weight only to gain it back and more each time usually.

I keep saying I just can’t find a diet that works for me.  The problem is that diet’s don’t work. They might at first, but you have to change your lifestyle and your eating style and most of all your “thinking” style.

A lot of people don’t understand it. They eat to eat and nothing more, but not me. Food and I have had a rocky relationship for as far back as I remember.

I love food, I love to eat. I love the smell, the texture, the taste, the feeling of being full and satisfied. It’s a control thing to me. When everything else in my life is feeling crazy or out of control, when I am lacking in another area, when I am frustrated about something that I can’t change, when someone is mad at me, when I am mad at myself, when there isn’t enough $ to do the extra things I want to do, when everyone has someone to turn to and I don’t, when I am bored and have nothing to do… Food is the one thing  that is always there and is the one thing I can control.

Food is my drug, it is my alcohol, it is my addiction. I actually think being addicted to eating or having an eating disorder of any kind is as bad if not worse than other kinds of addictions. If you are a drug addict you can go through rehab and you can avoid places, people and triggers of that drug.  You can’t avoid food and eating though. You have to eat to live.  It takes much more to control your eating addictions and disorders and it is much easier to relapse.

“Don’t dig your grave with your own knife and fork.” ~English Proverb

After the disappointment of not being chosen for the blogging weight loss program, I started looking at other weight loss programs.  There are so many out there and I have tried so many of them over the past 18 years.  I need to try something new.  I need a lifestyle change.

I need to give my health more priority. I tend to stay so focused on working, building my businesses and making sure the bills are paid that everything else gets out of balance.

For the past month I have been implementing a lot of changes. I am changing how I eat and I have even started exercising.  If you know me at all you would be shocked at that piece of information. I do not like to exercise. I do  not like to sweat. I do not like sticking to a schedule.  But I am exercising, I am sweating and I am working out at least 3-4 days a week now.  I have found that I really like jogging.  I am looking for a used treadmill so I can walk/ jog any time I want to.

I have only lost about 8 pounds in the past month but I already feel better.  I’m taking that control freak part of eating and channeling it into learning to eat healthier foods and smaller portions. I have been making new, healthier recipes too.

What I am learning through all of this is that it’s not really about losing weight. It’s not about being thin or a certain size. It’s not really even about being healthier.  It’s not about what the number on the scale is. I am actually only weighing myself once a month.  It’s about getting back to the “best” me that God created me to be. It’s about shedding extra weight from all areas in my life, shedding stress, pressure, clutter, bad habits and patterns.

I’m not really focused on losing weight. I’m focused on finding my better self…

If you can relate to my struggle, let me encourage you to shift your thinking. Stop focusing on the scale and the number on your clothing tags. Start focusing on getting your life back in balance and on improving yourself so you can be the best “you” and make the most of the talents, time and body that God has given you!

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

What about you? Do you struggle with losing weight? Do you or someone you know deal with an eating disorder? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below!

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  1. says

    As a teenager, I struggled with bulimia. When I dropped a lot of weight by being bulimic people start complimenting me on how pretty I was. Looking back, at pictures prior to my eating disorder, I was amazed that anyone (my parents) saw my weight as an issue. No, I wasn’t rail thin, but I don’t think I was “overweight”. I am VERY much so now…. and I DO struggle. Just not with bulimia. I just eat. To eat. Because I like it. I like the way it tastes. I just don’t like how I feel afterwards. You’re right though, it’s great if you can stop focusing on numbers and instead focus on HOW you feel. I’m to the point (again) that I feel like I need to find that balance…. Great post!
    Erika recently posted…20 Things About Me!My Profile

    • says

      Thanks for the comment Erika! I have starved myself in the past and then would binge eat but never could bring myself to throw up, I hate the feeling too much. It is so hard to have a healthy relationship with food and eating. I may not stick with this or stay on track, I don’t know… I’m just trying to focus on living more healthy on a day to day basis and not feel guilty for past failures or pressure to be a certain size or weight in the future… Good luck in finding your own balance and way to healthy eating again too!

  2. sonia smith says

    It can be a hard struggle, i know for me I love to eat.i have learned to eat more healthy foods. It can be hard but if you eat healthy foods with alot of flavors, you may enjoy it more. I love to workout, so for me it is fun. I love to sweat as well. But you have to find the way you like to work out, walking is fantastic! Swimming is a fantastic as well. What about trying to find a group of bloggers who want to make it a weekly posting? You could share recipes, encouragement, and tips. I would participate in it! You can do it Misty! I have seen you do many amazing things and I know you will do great!

    • says

      Thank you Sonia, you are so sweet! I am surprised I actually like jogging. I’m doing the Couch to 5K app / program. I used to walk with a couple local friends at least 2 or 3 nights a week a few years ago but life’s just so busy it’s hard to get together… I just hope I can stick with it!

        • says

          It is not easy, and I did just get a treadmill yesterday and it’s even harder to run on the treadmill, LOL… But it’s worth it and the app makes it easier / fun, accountable… Trust me though if I can do it anyone can. I hate exercising and the only time I’ve ever ran in my life was if something was chasing me, ha ha…

  3. Nilda R. says

    Wow! I thank you for sharing your post with us. I too struggle with weight loss. My problem losing weight involves Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. I started gaining weight in my early thirties and went from 135 lbs to 180 now in my mid forties. I eat healthy and exercise when my body allows me to. I try to walk 30-45 minutes every other day so I don’t put too much stress on my body. I learned the hard way what happens when I push a little harder. I spent a week in bed with muscle and joint pain all over my body. The good thing is that I haven’t gain any weight for about a year, but I would love to lose a few pounds.

    • says

      Thank you Nilda. My mom has Fibromyalgia so I know how difficult it can be for her. She tries to exercise every other day and spends a lot of time in the pool in the summer. It is good you are maintaining and not gaining. Keep trying!

  4. says

    Weight loss is very big challenge . If you have less will power then it is very difficult. Exercise and eating right is more important for weight loss. I like your never say die attitude. As you struggled 18 years and there are people who don’t even struggle for 18 days. You tried every diet programs. I just want to know did you try herbal diet as many people say it is very effective for weight loss. What is your experience with this if you tried. Losing weight is not that important as staying fit more important.

    • says

      I’ve done some kind of herbal diet pills several years ago but I can’t remember which one (Advocare maybe? or Herbalife?). I couldn’t stick to it. That’s one thing that’s been hard, I just would get sick of it or forget to take the supplements or I would cheat a couple days and then just never be able to get back on the diet. What I am doing now seems to be working, I’m not losing that fast but I don’t feel deprived nor have I had any binges and that is rare for me. :) Thanks for commenting!

  5. says

    Hey Misty, I totally agree with you when you say that losing weight should be more than just weighting yourself every week, two weeks etc. It is more about self-improvement (and maybe health reasons) and it’s important to lose weight for the right reason, rather than to just do it for the sake of losing weight.

  6. says

    FINALLY made my over to this spot on your blog. Sigh…I could lie and say I was SOOOO busy, but the truth is I kinda KNEW what was lurking here so I stayed away. Then I found my motivation—AGAIN—signed up for http://www.peak313.com, posted about it and then you mentioned you were going to join the 5-week challenge SOOOO here I am.
    You said it perfectly: “It’s about getting back to the “best” me that God created me to be. ” As someone who has dieting just about as long as you have been on the planet, I can sympathize with not getting a shot at the blogger program :0(. I hope you find strength with Christ at your side helping you to make the decisions that honor Him and will help you be the best you for Him.
    I say those words often, but I wonder why they don’t permeate my life and motivate me to make LONG term changes. I am annoyed with myself…that I let things go…and go and then I have to work twice as hard to get BACK where I was a few months ago.
    I have lost 50 pounds :0)…gained 15…lost 10…gained 12…lost 20…
    See the picture. Now I can say, I have not gone back to my highest weight ever, but man oh man alive would I LOVE to have victory over this for the long haul.
    So Misty…thanks for this post and hope we will be an encouragement to one another :0).

  7. says

    I too have struggled for a very long time with my weight, but I have finally found something that works for me. It’s called Skinny Fiber and I love it. It helps me take control of my eating (finally) and for once I am not a slave to my cravings because they are gone! The best part about Skinny Fiber is that it is all natural and does not contain any stimulants! Anyway, I know that you can jump back on the horse and get back on track and if you are interested, please check out my website to learn more about Skinny Fiber! Skinny Fiber has been a huge blessing to me! :)

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