The past 6-7 weeks I have been taking training / classes for a virtual assistant position I had applied for. As I have posted about many times, I have been in a financial dessert for a long time now. I was really excited about this opportunity. I felt like new doors were opening for me. I thought this would be a great way to have a guaranteed part-time income to help make ends meet. My other business is pretty much hanging on by a well-worn thread. The blog is starting to take off but there is still has a long way to go before I make any noteworthy income from it.
I got up early 5 days a week for 6 weeks. I complained regularly about my lack of sleep. (I am not a morning person by any means.) I studied hard. I took surprise after surprise of additional exams and schedule changes and information that changed constantly with this class. I passed all 3 written exams (which we were told we wouldn’t have to take only to find out the day after Thanksgiving you have 5 days to take & pass these 3 exams). I worked really hard to be able to get this position.
We were supposed to find out by 6pm last Friday whether we got the position or not. (We as in myself and the other classmates who had made it & passed everything.) Due to technical issues, Friday evening they told us it would be Monday before results were sent out. Then on Monday, more technical issues. Then yesterday (Tues) still waiting but hopefully would have results by the end of the day. Finally yesterday evening I got the email that yes I was certified and I had the position.
After all of that hard work, time, energy and stress I should have been really excited about reaching this goal and getting the position. However I really didn’t feel all that excited. I know it sounds crazy doesn’t it?
I found out that out of 25+ in the class only about 8-9 actually made it. I feel bad for the new friends that I made during the last 6 weeks. Some of them really needed this job and would have been great at it. I guess I should feel good that I was chosen out of those qualified people.
I think the main reason I didn’t feel excited is because this is a job. Yes a J-O-B. A word I have avoided, loathed and hated for over 5 years now. Being self-employed and being my own boss has been the bee’s knees. I won’t lie, I am the best boss I have ever had. I got to live the dream for a few years: having no one to answer to but yourself, setting your own schedule, taking the day off when you feel like it… It’s been very, very difficult to have that dream die or to feel like I’m being called / moved in a new direction.
Granted with this position (see I can’t even call it a job) the hours are somewhat flexible (I can choose my own hours each week 1-2 weeks in advance) and it is only part-time. I’m not an employee, I’m sub-contracting. I still work from the comfort of my own home in my pj’s if I want to. I don’t have to deal with corporate politics or office drama, traffic or spending money on business clothes.
With so many people unemployed and desperately seeking jobs and an income, I know I should be very grateful to have this opportunity. I am, really I am. I guess I’m just scared of the same ol’, same ol’ things: not being good enough, not doing a good enough job and being let go (aka fired).
When you get a new job or position your first thought shouldn’t be “oh dear what if I don’t do a good enough job and I get fired?” I worry too much, I over-analyze things and just pick them apart like a buzzard on roadkill. I change my mind and am so indecisive sometimes. I mean goodness it takes me 20 minutes to decide what outfit to wear some days. I am well-known for putting items in my shopping cart to purchase them, only to get to the register and have second thoughts and be sticking them on the shelves near the register or telling the cashier I changed my mind.
I think I know what I want then I get it and I don’t think I want it anymore… Why is it so hard for me to be bold, confident and decisive? Why is it so hard for me to trust that what God is offering or providing me with is what is really best for me? Why is it so hard for me to trust that God is going to provide what I need to get through whatever circumstance or situation I am going through? You wouldn’t think someone who is as stubborn as I am would be so indecisive.
I can’t help but think about Moses when it comes to worry, doubt and indecisiveness. I think Moses and I would have got along great back in the day. We could had formed a club for Worry Warts Anonymous and thrown some killer worry wart parties.
Moses had a heart and desire to follow God and wanted to be used by God. He was given that chance when God appeared in a burning bush (I sure would like to see signs as clearly as that sometimes!) and told Moses that He was calling him to go to Egypt and save his people. God told him it wouldn’t be easy but that He would be there and provide everything he needed to be successful along the way.
Moses should have been excited, honored and thrilled about that amazing opportunity. I’m sure somewhere deep down inside he was excited, but his fears, worries and over-analyzing brain started to get the best of him. He questioned himself and his abilities and then worst of all he questioned God! He said “but why me God, I stutter, I’m not smart enough, I don’t think you should have picked little ol’ me for this task. I’m sure there’s someone better out there. I just don’t think I can do this, I mean really, God, really do you know what you are asking me to do here?” (My own paraphrasing.)
Moses all but cemented his sandals in the ground to keep from going. The Bible says that God even got angry at Moses’ doubt and refusal to go. (You definitely don’t want to anger God, gee Moses, what were you thinking?)
God didn’t give up on Moses though, He continue to promise that he would provide for Moses. He even promised to send Aaron with Moses to help Moses feel more confident. God kept His promises. He worked in some very mysterious ways even bringing about plagues and supernatural occurrences to help Moses complete his mission and save the Israelites.
When God gives an order or provides us with an opportunity, He also makes it possible and equips us with what we need so we can accomplish the task or make it through the journey. We can make things easier on ourselves if we will just trust God and not over-think things. If we will just learn to trust the fact that God qualifies those whom He calls, rather than calling the qualified. In all honesty, none of us are qualified without God’s mercy, grace and provision.
Even though Moses doubted, questioned and even argued with God, God didn’t change His mind or take the opportunity away from Moses. I think God understands that we are worry warts by nature. He gives us challenges and opportunities to grow our faith and dependence on Him so the worry wart in our brain can begin to shrink.
I am sure Moses probably still had doubts along the way, but he kept moving forward and trusting that God would continue to provide. That is what I need to do with this position (and every situation in my life). I’ll choose to be grateful for it and do my best for however long the opportunity is available to me. I’ll pull my sandals out of the sand and walk forward in faith trusting that everything will work out how it is supposed to.
If you are struggling with doubts and fears about your future or something you feel God is calling you to do, I would like to invite you to join me and Moses at the next meeting of Worry Warts Anonymous. We can all get on our knees and pray together for more faith and less fear.
2 Timothy 1:7 – “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind.”
ADDENDUM: I started the virtual assistant position and it did not turn out to be what I thought it was going to be. They kept changing policies and the work and hours promised were just never there. After about two months I turned in my notice. Maybe my fears were something telling me this wasn’t the right choice. Perhaps there was a reason for me going through the training and working for this company for those two months. I think it made my resolve to be fully self-employed and a CEO of Me even stronger. Since then I have started my own web design business – CEO of Me Designs. Everything happens for a reason and we are pushed down paths that eventually lead us to where we are supposed to go…